shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I intend to get homeless drunk
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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