So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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