I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
