First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
