One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
