Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
