My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
