so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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