I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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