Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Do vagina's smell?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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