I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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