There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
