I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
