cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
