our cab driver is having phone sex.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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