My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's official drugs can't kill me
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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