I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
