Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
