I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
