honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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