I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
