he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
