Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
tell me about the eggs
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
