I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My ATM looks so different sober.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
