there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
