I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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