Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
