maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
