So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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