i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
