i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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