I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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