The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
