last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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