But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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