i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
