so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
