i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
