I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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