I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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