my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
