Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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