i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
