She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
