My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
