My friends, they love my intelligence
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
