I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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