Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
