Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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