i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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